How friendship shapes love and community; through the lens of a South Asian woman
As someone who grew up in a South Asian household, my life has been substantially influenced by Bollywood. One of the first films I ever saw taught me that “love is friendship” and in some way I've internalised it and still believe it to this day. For me, friendship is love. It's what's needed to cope with the realities of life. It's what makes our lives sweeter, more meaningful, and so full of laughter.
Rooted in the values of collectivism, kinship, and loyalty, friendships in South Asia are often seen as extended familial bonds, imbued with cultural and emotional nuances. Friendship is so highly regarded that the people we grow up with become the aunts and uncles of our children, they become family. These friendships carry a profound emotional weight that reflects the collectivist nature of the region's societies. They are the anchor that keeps us rooted, our biggest supporters in life, our means of escape.
I’m Ayeshah, a 22-year-old psychology student from Pakistan, who finds herself relying on friendship exceedingly while navigating and making sense of a world full of possibilities and atrocities. In this article, I share how friendship, for many South Asians, holds such value that it transcends the boundaries of friendship by becoming family.
A cultural cornerstone
The word for friend in Urdu is "dost" from Old Persian, meaning ‘lover’ or ‘friend’. It is derived from linguistic expressions that mean, "to nurture or take care of".
The importance we have placed on friendship is reflected through the media around us, - the literature, the movies, and the songs - all of which use the central theme of friendship and love, which for many of us are two words for the same thing.
Growing up, I saw friendship as a lifelong commitment. I saw my father’s face light up when he met his school friends: the air around us would change, you would hear stories reminiscing the best of times and lots of laughter. I saw how he would make an effort with his friends and treat them like brothers. They were and remain our uncles; not by blood but by the love they hold for our father.
Transcending generations
Lifelong friendships are very common in our culture. The camaraderie shared by individuals is so meaningful that it is second nature for us to give family labels to our friends. We have uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins other than those related to us by blood.
My grandfather’s best friend lives on the other side of the world. They became friends in grade 6. Both are now over 85 years old and have a solid friendship of almost 75 years. Despite the geographical distance, they find ways to stay connected. My grandfather learned how to video call his friend and update him weekly about daily occurrences, politics and cricket. When they spend time with each other, they're no longer senior adults, they become the same 11-year-old boys who went to school together, laughing at the same stories they've been narrating for the past 70 years.
Through thick and thin
Since our ties find their way into our circle of family and close relatives, it is only natural to have them be a part of the happiest and worst times in our lives.
For me, it’s difficult to describe in words the joy I felt being part of my friend’s wedding. From the moment she got engaged, to planning the wedding and then the big day, she made sure we were integral to it all. Later I felt a similar feeling of overwhelming joy when I found out my friend was going to have a baby and again when we were eagerly waiting on a video call to know the gender. I was present through it all and it’s strange and beautiful that the girls whom I once shared my lunch with now so graciously share their lives with me.
These friends have bought front-row tickets to cheer me on for every milestone in my life; my first paycheck, my first job, my admission into university. They have been there through it all the same way they were there- front row- when I would stand on stage in school.
When my Dadi (paternal grandmother) passed away, I felt like my whole world came crashing down. My friends left everything and came. They held my hand, wiped my tears, made sure I was eating and constantly checked up on me after that, on birthdays and Eid (islamic celebration) because they knew I would be missing her. That’s how we do friendship.
A sanctuary for the mind
Friends have such a profound impact on us that we even match their brain chemistry. Research illustrates that closer friends have more similar brain activity.
After a tough week of studying, assignments, work and deadlines nothing recharges me like a few hours with my friends. We laugh, vent, eat, and leave feeling lighter than we arrived. They act as a restart switch, energising me again for the week ahead.
Love and (or) friendship
Human relationships are complex and multifaceted. True friendship is more than just mere companionship, it is built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, loyalty and understanding. These qualities are not just the bedrock of a meaningful friendship but also the essential components of a lasting, loving relationship. We’ve all heard that the secret to a happy marriage is to marry your best friend and I believe this to be true.
Ultimately, friendship and love are not separate entities but interconnected forces that strengthen and enrich each other. A healthy relationship thrives on the blend of both, where friendship fuels the bond with love and love reinforces the commitment of friendship.
Friendships are at the core of our existence. While romantic relationships often take center stage, it's our friendships that often endure the test of time and offer the deepest forms of understanding and connection.
Valuing our friends and being there for them too is essential for their happiness and ours. So while life goes on, let’s celebrate the people who’ve stuck with us through it all.