Introduction
Life is an incredible journey, and for those of us on the autism spectrum, it can be a uniquely enriching yet occasionally challenging adventure. My name is Asifa. I am a first-year PhD student at King’s College London, and I am on the spectrum.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a condition that affects how people interact with others and experience the world. It can lead to challenges in social skills, communication, and behaviour. ASD varies widely from person to person and is typically diagnosed in childhood. As ASD affects each person differently, my experiences offer insight into the diverse ways this condition manifests and evolves over time. In this article, I want to share my journey, focusing on the challenges I've encountered and the transformative process of finding and embracing my authentic self.
A Rhythm All My Own
My childhood was marked by an unmistakable rhythm, even though I couldn't quite grasp its significance back then. I always felt like I was on a quest to find where I truly belonged. Even from a young age, I knew I was different from my peers, but understanding the nature of that difference eluded me. While my neurotypical peers seemed to glide through social situations effortlessly, I found them to be extremely anxiety-provoking.
I remember scripting conversations and creating mental flowcharts each night before school, attempting to anticipate every possible social interaction. I did this just so I could try to be a part of the conversation, to fit in, even though it felt like I was deciphering an alien language.
The fear of saying the "wrong" thing made me quiet, and I often withdrew into my own world. Social interactions felt like a daunting maze, and I struggled to navigate them with ease. Instead of joining in on conversations and forming connections, I sought refuge in the pages of books or threw myself into my studies. While these pursuits brought me solace, they also meant that I didn't have many friends during my formative years.
I had always dreamt of being part of a close-knit friend group, but the challenges of speaking to and understanding others made it seem like an unattainable goal. The isolation I felt was further exacerbated when I began to experience bullying from my peers. Being unable to fully grasp the intentions and nuances of social interactions made me an easy target, and it was a difficult period in my life.
Despite the hardships, I held onto hope that someday I would find my place in the world and forge meaningful connections. Little did I know that my journey would lead me to a deeper understanding of myself and the unique strengths that come with being on the autism spectrum.
The Autism Revelation
My journey toward self-discovery took a significant turn when I attended a psychology class that covered autism. It was there that I began to explore the possibility that I might be on the autism spectrum. The more I learned about autism, the more I saw reflections of myself in the descriptions and characteristics. In particular, I remember my teacher making us do a ‘Reading Mind Behind the Eyes’ task. This task is supposed to measure a person’s ability to understand others’ emotional states, by choosing which word best describes what the person in the picture is thinking/feeling. I remember being extremely confused and in disagreement with what the right answers were. As soon as I got home, I spoke to my psychologist about seeking an ASD test.
The pieces of the puzzle started fitting together, and my late teens brought the revelation of an ASD diagnosis.
The moment I received my autism diagnosis was both liberating and profound. It was like finding the missing puzzle piece that completed the picture of who I am. Suddenly, the challenges I had faced throughout my life began to make sense. My anxiety in social situations; feeling that sounds were too loud; my disdain for certain textures or materials; and I embarked on a new chapter of self-discovery. Nevertheless, there was still a part of me that resented being on the spectrum.
The idea of having a lifelong condition that made me perceive the world differently than most people was a source of internal conflict. Acceptance did not come easily, and it took time for me to realise that being on the spectrum was just one aspect of my identity.
As I embraced my diagnosis and began to understand myself better, I started to appreciate the unique perspective it offered. My way of thinking, my attention to detail, and my ability to focus deeply on my interests became strengths rather than limitations. Ironically, focusing on learning new languages became an important part of overcoming that initial resentment, and allowed me to move forward on my journey of self-discovery with a newfound sense of acceptance and even pride in who I am. While being on the spectrum presents its own set of challenges, it also brings a wealth of strengths and perspectives that make me who I am today.
Being Myself
My journey with ASD has been marked by challenges and personal growth. While the difficulties have been significant, they have also contributed to my resilience and determination. Discovering that I was on the autism spectrum was like finding the key that unlocked the door to a deeper understanding of myself. It was an epiphany, a pivotal moment that forever changed my perspective. Suddenly, the seemingly insurmountable challenges I had encountered throughout my life began to fall into place, each one a piece of a puzzle that was finally making sense.
Yet, as liberating as this revelation was, it did not come without its share of internal conflict. The idea of having a lifelong condition that set me apart from most people initially led to resentment. I questioned why I perceived the world differently, why social interactions felt like mazes, and why sensory sensitivities were so overwhelming. Acceptance, I found, was a process that required time and introspection.
As I reflect on my journey with ASD, I've learned invaluable lessons that I believe can benefit others facing similar challenges. For those navigating their own path with ASD, I want to offer words of encouragement and support. Embrace your uniqueness and celebrate your strengths, for they are what make you truly exceptional. Seek out a supportive community or network where you feel understood and accepted. Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you need it and to prioritise self-care. Above all, never lose sight of the incredible potential that lies within you. Your journey may have its obstacles, but it is also filled with moments of growth, resilience, and triumph. Keep moving forward with courage and determination, knowing that you are never alone.
My experiences with ASD have shaped me into a more empathetic, adaptable, and resourceful individual. Every obstacle I've faced has taught me valuable lessons, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my journey with others. By embracing our differences and focusing on personal growth, we can lead fulfilling and meaningful lives, regardless of the challenges we may encounter along the way.
