A friend once told me that you should love yourself to the extent that you are okay with being alone. As empowering as that sounds, it simply cannot and should not be achieved. Why should I ever anticipate being alone? The world is structured in a way that a person is born into a family, and that family owes you an obligation of care and love. There are hollow days when my love for myself cannot carry me along, but it's nothing to be ashamed of because on those days I’m quickly reminded of my sister’s love for me – a good reason to get up and keep going.
Since these words were said to me, I have slowly learned that the emphasis on self-love often comes from a very privileged point of view. Recent events have reminded me how we can live in a bubble, believing that certain emotions like patriotism, want, attraction and love are cultivated solely by an inward desire. Where external validation of these emotions seemingly plays no role in these emotions.
Patriotism, as one expression of self-love, cannot exist without outside encouragement. “If nobody sees you, are you still here?” – This is a line from “The Death of Vivek Orji”, a book written by the Nigerian author Akwaeke Emezi. Self-love is constantly pushed in the media. Almost inescapable. Everybody is telling you how to love yourself more; how many products you must buy if you truly admire yourself; and how many solo dates you must be on. And while I am appalled by this consumerism nature, we all forget that external love is what ignites the fire of self-love.
Kemi Badenoch, the UK Conservative Party leader, recently “denied” her Nigerian heritage in an interview with The Spectator, “I find it interesting that everybody defines me as being Nigerian. I identify less with the country than with the specific ethnicity [Yoruba]” she said. And of course, this caused an outrage, most especially from the Nigerian vice president – Kassim Shetimma – who demanded she remove Kemi from her name if she did not feel pride in her nation of origin. I expected outrage from our crooked politicians, but not the citizens.
I do not seek to totally discard the concept of self-love but to recognise that external influences hold more important roles. We are all being sold a lie; self-love is not all we need. To love yourself immensely, you need not be the one doing all the loving.
This blinding privilege is what also gives people the effrontery to demand patriotism from Kemi Badenoch – someone who has experienced the burn of a corrupt country. I am Nigerian myself – I promise you that you cannot tell me a thing about patriotism, and I will keep an open ear. My countrymen have betrayed me so many times, and our leaders constantly embezzle public funds. How can I be patriotic, when nothing around me bolsters patriotism? Similarly, how can people love themselves if the world has not given them a reason to?
In the hunt for “self-love”, larger-sized people are told to hit the gym to achieve a fit body, while conventionally unattractive people are told to take “self-care” seriously so they can “love themselves”. This is the most absurd thing because when they achieve their goals, they do not magically love themselves. Rather, people just start to treat them like human beings, which makes it easy for them to love themselves. That small act of love that others start to show them is what fuels their love for themselves.
Let me ask you some questions: Can you believe you are smart without passing a single test? Can you believe you are beautiful without a single soul ever telling you you are beautiful? Can you believe you are a good friend if all your friends abandon you at some point in life? We validate each other; we are a collective; the spirit is one. This is why you see people constantly argue about representation and inclusivity – people want to be seen.
People often believe they have to attain a level of self-love before they delve into a romantic relationship. But still, they can end up self-sabotaging whenever they get into one. Esther Perel, a Belgian-American psychotherapist, in one of her blog posts titled the myth of self-love stated “We don’t just learn to love ourselves by ourselves. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. And in order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others”. We should let others love us, even when we feel unlovable, because their version of us can be kinder than our own.
Some self-love talking points seek to isolate, but the importance of community to our health cannot be overemphasised. A meta analysis of the effectiveness of community engagement in public health interventions for disadvantaged groups showed that community engagement interventions positively impacted a range of health outcomes across various conditions.
Anytime you tell someone, “You literally need to love yourself”, as an answer to them feeling self-critical, I want you to know that that can be false. Even after you love yourself, dissatisfaction will still loom if nobody loves you. If nobody sees you, you don’t exist. And I never want you to ignore that discontentment. I want you to surround yourself with a community that cares about you; that is the true act of self-love. In the long run, self-love will help you discern who is good for you and who is not. When that is sorted out, your community's love will nurture you.
This is not just me advising you to go outside, find love, build a community, and bask in the gift of life. This is me also telling you that the act of loving must be viewed as an obligation. It’s not only people’s duty to love themselves; it’s the duty of people around them to love them. You must love your parents, your friends, your family, those who love you. You must practice acts of small kindness, and treat even strangers with love. It’s your duty to remind your loved ones that they are talented, precious, beautiful, courageous, and many more adjectives. Human beings are social animals and are doomed to crave love and admiration, and that can never come from within.
I wish you the best on your journey to a community.